Sad Reality

It's funny when in the morning, you feel relaxed and happy for some reason. You go out and enjoy your day like a normal person would. You hang out with your friends, laugh like there's no tomorrow, and you feel as though nothing can ever bring you down. You feel like you're the happiest person in the planet.

Then the day soon ends. You're finally all alone, ready to go to bed. You are about to go to into a deep, peaceful slumber. But your mind has other plans for you tonight. All of a sudden, thoughts come running in your mind. You think of the past memories you've had. Some are good, thank goodness, but some are bad. Bad enough to make you depressed, scared, and lonely. You are then faced with the sad reality of life. All at once, you realize a lot of things. He will never love you like you want him to. He will never feel the same way, no matter how many times you wish for it to happen. Nobody will ever like you for who you are, because you are nothing but a piece of shit in this world with no dreams, just crushed hopes and unfinished goals.

And then you shut your eyes as tears fall onto your already wet pillow.

It's been quite a long time.

Nothing much has happened in my life since my last post.

Actually, I'm lying. A lot has happened since the beginning of year 2013. And by a lot, I mean not much, but those moments are really special to me and I will never forget them. For the past three months, I have gone from becoming a ‘date booth’ victim with him in our school (there is even a picture for proof) to actually becoming text mates with him one way or another. Just recently (March 21, 2013), I had my last few moments with him in school. They were indeed special to me, because I realize that they were to be my last actual moments to be with him. I’m just not sure if we’ll ever have time to do that again (but I’m hoping).

So, March 21. What exactly happened in March 21? I wasn’t supposed to go to school since it was already our summer, but I had piano training with him, so why the heck am I supposed to say ‘no’ to that, right? And besides, if I’m going to be his successor, I might as well learn from him and get tips. He let me play the piano for a while and get to know some songs that will be played for the mass. Yes, he also gave me tips and all that stuff. When the actual practice for their Baccalaureate mass started, he played the piano. Boy, was I mesmerized. I wanted to just hug him and squeeze his cheeks ugh he was so AWESOME I died. I know you know I’m kidding, that’s only my expression.

4:30 in the afternoon; the 4^th year students exited the gym and headed home. I went out to look for him, and when I did, I called him. I said I wanted to tell him something. I was too hesitant at first, but I decided to just let it all out. I gave him my gift, to say “Congratulations!” and all that. And then I went and did it.

Yes, I confessed to him. No, it didn’t feel awkward at all. He kept smiling at me and thanking me, saying how flattered he was and stuff. Unlike him, any other guy would’ve already rejected me by then, but he didn’t. He stayed and listened to my nonsense crap and bullshit-y feelings. Wait, no, they’re not bullshit. I love my feelings because they’re for him okay

My friends have been congratulating me, saying how brave I was for doing what I had done. I, however, have been thanking the Lord, saying how happy I am and that I am just so grateful I finally confessed what I felt about him. I’ve never actually thought in my teenage life that I would be able to do such a thing like that. But you know what? Ever since I met him and fell in love with him, I have done so many things I never thought I would be able to do my whole life. I’ve gained more confidence, unlike before when I was a total clam, being shy and closed and all. I bet my parents-especially mom-have noticed that, too. It’s probably why she’s so positive when we talk about him at times. My friends have also told me I’ve changed for the better, and that I wasn’t the same shy girl they met 2 years ago. Now, I was different. A better different, of course.

I used to be so afraid of falling in love. Now that I have, and with the most awesome, most sweet, most perfect guy I’ve met that is exactly like my father (attitude-based and body built-based), I can confidently say that I am in love… and I am not afraid anymore.

Just keep smiling.

You're afraid; afraid that they might know the truth. Afraid that if they do, they'll get mad all over again and say you're being such a wuss. Know what? Just keep it. Keep your feelings inside, smile like nothing's wrong, and hope that they won't find out. Pray that they won't mind it and just move on with their lives. Cry it all out in your sleep, so when you wake up, it's as if nothing happened. You'll be back to your normal, bubbly, happy-go-lucky, and crazy self. And no one will even know you're secretly dying and depressed inside.

Now lookie what my parents got me for Christmas.

Remember when I said I wanted to buy myself Taylor Swift's Red album? No? Okay. Anyway, it turns out that I don't have to spend my own money for it anymore. My parents surprised me with this, this super duper amazing gift and I cried (on the inside). Somehow I still can't bare into my mind that I actually have an album of Taylor's. Seriously. This is so amazing. It comes with a free wristband, which I'll totally be wearing in school when I get back, and a 2013 calendar, which I had just finished hanging on my door. I can't say how happy I am, mostly because I am not the kind of girl who shows that much emotion. Sometimes I do, but only when I'm really ecstatic and stuff.

Mom and dad, I don't think you'll ever read this, but thank you. Thank you oh so much. I am sincerely sorry if I become a bitch sometimes. You know deep down my bitchiness, there's this daughter of yours who will love you forever, even if you grow old and have wrinkles and would someday need assistance when going to the bathroom. Whatever happens, I will always be your beautiful, loving, faithful daughter, and you will always be my most favorite, most awesome parents ever. I love you guys.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

Yes, you heard it right. My mind is officially overloaded with information to the point wherein I just can't take it anymore. I'm having my quarterly exams tomorrow. You know what's worse? My Trigonometry exam also starts tomorrow. Monkey butts. I don't know if I can do this. I've been studying this certain subject for hours now. It actually almost feels like forever. My dad, who is thankfully excellent at math, helped me in some topics. Because of him, I sort of understand them better now.

Stupid laws of sines and cosines.

Now I must go back and fill my mind with nonsense formulas that I may or may not have to use in real life (which I highly doubt I will).

I feel so ashamed of myself.

I don't want to post about it now. I just felt like I needed to let out what I currently feel. And I feel so ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated.

Tell me again why I had to stay and try to talk to him just so I could get myself embarrassed in front of him again?

I might be exaggerating a little bit, and for sure he doesn't think bad of me since he's so so so nice and sweet and everything... I just, I don't know. *le sigh* I'm so sorry.

December 5, 2012

... I can't explain how happy I am right now.

This day, which is just before his birthday, has been one of the best days of my life. This afternoon, we had yet another practice for the mass that we'll be having this Friday. He and his other batch mates had a symposium, and so he wasn't able to attend the practice. So since he wasn't there, who played the piano?

I did. They forced me. And since I had no choice, I played. Quite well, actually. At first I was nervous as heck, but the more I played, the more confident I felt. It was amazing, the feeling. Just after our practice, he came still in his symposium uniform which are long-sleeved polo with a maroon necktie and slacks... And you know what? He was so hot. He was just so... unf. You know how a fan-girl feels when he sees a photoset of her favorite celebrity, topless? Aw, yeah. That's what I felt.

Everyone else left. Only my friends, him and I stayed. The two of us played, and I helped him in what he missed. We never left each other's side. We were pretty close, come to think of it. My friends said we looked so romantic together. My friend, Antonette, even teased that we looked like some married couple and she's like, "I'm your daughter!" Neither of us reacted on that because it was sao awkward.

Well, after that insanely epic and awkward practice with him, we left the chapel. Still together. We all walked together. Him, me, Antonette, Roanne, and Hazel. And since my friends really like to kill me because yes, they said, "Oh, kapit-kapit, guys! Mahigpit dapat, walang bibitaw!" Having no choice but to join, he and I held each other just like how prom dates would hold together as they enter the room (I hope you understand what I'm trying to say).

That awkward yet amazing feeling when you had physical contact with the guy you are most certainly in love with and yet you still don't want to admit your feelings about him. And it is the first time that something like this has happened to me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine and I can't get out. I'm just stuck there, giggling and being all giddy and kilig and stuff. Yeah.

After a few minutes, everybody else let go of their firm grip. Everyone but us. We were stuck like that for quite sometime. It was like he had forgotten that we were holding onto each other and we're just walking like that. It was awkward. Weird. Everything. I couldn't breathe. Soon enough, I gestured for him to let me go, since he was basically the one having the tight grip. He was like, "Oh, I'm sorry." And smiled. At least I think he smiled. He's always smiling, and whenever he does, his face shines as bright as the sun and it lights me up, making me smile too. That may have sounded a bit too exaggerated, but come on. I'm in love with the guy. That's what I feel about him and I'm not ashamed. I only don't like saying, "I'm in love with him," mostly because I don't want to seem desperate. I'm not. I love him for him. And this love that I feel for him does not ask for anything in return. Respect, maybe. But it doesn't matter if he feels the same way or not. I guess, as long as he's happy, then I'm happy. That's what I feel for him. My love for him is as pure as a newborn baby held tightly by his mother as he sleeps. Nothing else matters, but for him to be completely happy and contented with his life.

I probably got a bit off-track. I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry if you had to read all of that. But if you did read it all the way, up until the end, then I congratulate you. And of course, I thank you for giving me at least 7 minutes of your time to read this. But if you doubt that I'm telling the truth, I am. I really do love him. You just haven't met this person yet. This guy, this troll of a guy, is such a fantastic person. He's funny, he's sweet. He's kind and gentle. He respects girls, and everybody else. He doesn't choose his friends. He doesn't boast his talents. Instead, he offers it to the Lord as he plays for Him during the mass. He is the best guy that I have ever met. I'm glad I got the chance to meet him, even if it's a bit too late. I could've made friends with him earlier, but I didn't. I'm only glad that God made it able for us to meet and share some moments together. And you know what? Even if we don't end up together, I'm still happy that I get to say that I have met the perfect person. He may not be truly perfect, but he's perfect to me. He's everything that I ever wanted. All that I want from a guy, he's got it. I don't love him for his looks. Heck, he can go bald if he wanted to! (I'm not saying that he should, though.) I just want to be able to spend the next chapters of my life with the man who I know will take care of me and love me for who I am, and won't ever ask anything for return.

Also, it may be a bit too early since it still tomorrow, but I will say it anyway.

Happy Birthday, Kuya. Take care always, and don't ever change. I wish you knew how I felt for you. Maybe then you'd realized how awesomely perfect (and a troll!) you are. Wish you the best, and may many more birthdays come. I love you~ trololol =)) XD

Field Trip '12.

This year's field trip was beyond awesome. I think it's the most amazing and fun field trip we've ever had. Our first destination was in Paradise Adventure Camp in Bulacan, Philippines. We had Team Building and Water Survival, and had to go through 4 or more activities before we were able to have a free time to swim. It was fun, really. At first, my classmates and I were totally not about the activities. But then we realized how awesome they were and heck yeah! Sure, I got a few bloody bruises because of it, but they were worth it. I had the most fun, and that's all that matters.

You know what's much more awesome?

I finally have a picture of him... with me. It was my friends' idea. Those two. Always ruining my life. Hah! Kidding. I love them so much, and I love them for doing what they did. What did they do? They simply came up to him and said, "Kuya, pa-picture kami!" It was really only supposed to be me, but just to not raise any suspicion, they decided to take pictures of him with them as well. I have been staring at that picture for 5 minutes now. It's just so... *le sigh*. I just love it, okay? I wanted to cry, but at the same time I didn't. What is wrong with me omg? trololol

Should I post it? I don't know. I'm only afraid of people finding out. And once they do, I'm sure they'll start gossiping about me, spreading rumors and whatnot. I really wanted that picture taken of the both of us, it's just that I was afraid people might see and begin wondering about the two of us. And me. They might think I'm 'malandi' for doing it. I'm sorry, people who think that way. I didn't mean it. I really didn't. Blame my friends. Lol.

From tumblr.com

You know... that isn't such a bad idea. I could use a little happiness in a jar.

What I need:

• a transparent jar
• assorted-colored notes
• a pen (of course)

I can't wait to start this 2013. That's probably what I'll be giving myself on New Year's Eve. :)

That awkward moment when you talk about prom, and your parents start talking about 'you-know-who'.

It all started when I told them where our prom will be held, at El Cielito Hotel. We start talking about prom-related things, and suddenly our conversation turns like this:

Mom: Eh di'ba may mga partner yun? Sino magiging partner mo?
Me: Hm, ewan ko nga po e.
Mom: Di'ba 4th year yung makaka-partner ninyo? Paano yung guy na nago-organ sa inyo?
Me: *blushes as usual* Hah? Ano meron?
Mom: Gusto mo ba siya maka-partner? Paano kung naging date mo siya?
Me: Eh... Edi hindi ako makakahinga. Speechless ba kamo. Pero as if naman. Ewan. I wish.
Mom: Paano kung wini-wish niya rin na maka-date ka niya? Gusto mo ipa-request ko dun sa nago-organ sa inyo na kayo na lang mag-partner?
Me: *laughs* Mom!
Mom: *looks at dad who has been awfully quiet since the start of the conversation* O, ba't ka naninipa?
Dad: *laughs* Wala akong ginagawa ha!
Me: Dad, someday I will find my prince but you will always be my King. *grins*
Dad: Aw, thanks, baby. *kisses yay*

As promised, a small, not-so-detailed post about how my friend's party went.

Well, it wasn't actually a 'party' since only 4 of us was invited (close friends only) and attended. Antonette knew she couldn't accommodate the whole class and wanted to spend time with only a few of her friends. So, it was past 3pm when Roanne, Anica and I got to Antonette's house. Faye, our other friend and her best friend, was there too. We ate tacos (aw yeah), carbonara, and fruit ref cake (I don't really know what it's called). After a few talks about prom and schist, we watched a movie. Two movies, actually: Fright Night and Orphan. Oh, yes. We actually watched it. After so many months, I finally got to watch Orphan. \m/ While watching Fright Night, Antonette and I were cool and stuff while the others were shouting and were like, "Ohmuhgud, what's gonna happeeeeeeen?" We already watched the movie so many times; we only ended up laughing at our friends. (It's natural for us to do that so yeah.) Evening came... and it was time to watch Orphan *thunder sounds and other scary sound effects*. Yes, it was creepy. And gross. There were a few scenes that made me want to puke. Especially the part when *insert spoiler here*. Heh. Oh, and we also shouted really loud at the almost ending when *insert yet another spoiler here*. But it was fun. It was the kind of movie that still made me sleep peacefully last night. But Antonette wanted to watch the chilling alternate ending and we're like "NOOOOOOO!" No way. There's just some movies that really creep me out and I start imagining things during the night and in the end, I can't sleep anymore. Yep.

Basically, I had a lot of fun. We're having a movie marathon again soon. Probably during December 15+. And you bet I'll be posting about that (unless something urgent happens and I'm not allowed to go online for a long time and I forget about posting it)

I'll be posting again. Soon. (Quite sooner than you think.) -Alice

November 22-23, 2012

First of all... Belated happy birthday to mah best friend, Antonette! weeeeeee~ We're going to celebrate her birthday tomorrow, Saturday. I'm probably going to post about it as soon as possible. We're going to eat and party and watch movies and all of the fun stuff! So exciting! But wait, there's more. Before going to her house at 3:00pm, Roanne, Anica, and I are going to make ref cake (tiramisu) at my house. Antonette said she really wanted to have a ref cake on her birthday party, and so we're giving it to her. We're such good friends. :3


So... November 22. What's up with November 22? Other than it was my friend's birthday, of course. Well, I got to chat with him on Facebook again. I've always been planning on asking him, but I still had to wait for the right time. And somehow, I felt that it was time I ask him about it. And I did. Here's a preview of how our chat went:

November 23, 2012. A while ago, I gave my copy of the classical song called Kiss The Rain by Yiruma, that awesome Korean piano-playing guy. I might not go into details for now, so let's just say that I am sao awkward forever! But he's so sweet. And I love him. Y U SO ADORBS UGH WHYYYYY

I'm sick.

I've been sick since yesterday because of tonsillitis. Whenever I swallow, my ear hurts. I've had the worst headache that made me feel like I either wanted to puke or just lie down and not move all day. I can't taste anything, I can't eat anything. I've been absent from school for two days now. I just hope I can go to school tomorrow. -Alice

I said 'hi' to him today.

And you know what? I honestly didn't get nervous. At all. Like it was perfectly normal for a girl like me to say hi to a boy like him. I waved at him like a friend, and he waved back as well. His smile was so mesmerizing. I wish I could always say hi to him like that without feeling anxious or nervous or whatever. Even at school. My friends always tell me to say hi to him. I always say no, since I always thought that he'd feel awkward and think something else. But he isn't that kind of person. He's kind, and sweet, and he doesn't pick friends. Everyone is his friend. I know that now.

And with that, I end my speech.

Until my next entry. -Alice

That one time.

That one awkward time...

When his butt was on my face.

... Well, almost. Basically, it was near my face.

I don't know who's more embarrassed: me, or him. He didn't know, though. So maybe I'm just as embarrassed for him as I am for me. I swear it was totally awkward; it was like that one time when some guy accidentally hugged me (I posted about it once) and I cried. I didn't cry this time, but I was shocked. And I'm pretty sure that my face looked like a tomato that time. Roanne was there too; his butt was also near her face. Antonette saw what happened, and she's like, "SHITBRIX!" and stuff.

... My head hurts now.

Dream Come True

Once, a long time ago (probably a few months back), I dreamt of him. I dreamt that he and I were playing the piano together. Well, either that, or he was teaching me. Anyway, the room in which we were had a piano, and we were beside each other in front of that piano.

I honestly did not expect that dream of mine to come true. Then yesterday, we had a choir practice for this month's First Friday Mass. He played the piano, as always. I watched him play, and as usual, I was just as mesmerized as before. There was a time when he was making a bit of mistakes, and it made me smile. Why? Because I remember so much of myself when that happened. I always make mistakes when I play the piano. And when I do, I just laugh it off and start over. Nothing much happened, except for Antonette and Hazel eating Nips while we were singing. So, I shall skip to the good part. It was past 4:50pm. High school students were already going home, and we were still practicing. Of course we didn't mind; what we minded was that we weren't able to get our bags in our classrooms. Worried, some of them took off to get their bags. I stayed, because my friends volunteered to get my bag for me (I love them sao much okay). It was only him, me, the 4th year, 2nd year, and some 1st year. I scooted over to the end of the long chair, where Antonette was just sitting a while ago. I was looking at the altar, and since I have this sort of ability to see from the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. So I looked at him. He was making a face, as though trying to tell me, "Sige na, turuan mo na ako." He was making a pout face, along with his cute puppy dog eyes. I also made a face that says, "Hindi po ako gaano magaling e." What? I'm shy as heck. It wasn't a matter of time until he got to make me sit on that chair-his chair-in front of the piano. I tried to play the song, but I couldn't. I mean, of course I could; I just couldn't concentrate on it well. He was... distracting me. And also, I felt very nervous! I'm not used to playing the piano in front of people okay ._. Soon after, everyone else left. The only ones left were him, me, Ms. Diaz and Sr. Rosario. The practice was obviously over, so the two of us- he and me (is that even correct? lol)-played with the piano. Well, he was playing the piano. I was only suggesting songs and pieces for him to play. First, I told him to play River Flows in You. As always, it was beautiful. His hand pressed every key gracefully, not missing any key at all. Sure, yeah, he made mistakes. That's understandable. I also asked if he could play Kiss The Rain. He didn't know it, tho. I then went beside him and showed him the first notes with my right hand. After, I showed him the left. All of a sudden, my face went all super-thick and was like, "Kuya, pwede ko pong i-try?" He was so nice, saying, "Sure, sige lang!" I tried to play, and of course, it was an EPIC FAIL. *facepalm* First of all, there was no sustain. I can't play without sustain! All my years of playing the piano, I have never liked playing without using the sustain. I honestly do not know how he is able to play without it. My tutor and my mentor both told me that it is, what's the word? Essential? I don't remember. BASTA. ugh epic fail talaga nakakahiya ako kapal kapal kasi ng mukha he probably hates me nao T^T (not really but that's what i feel so yea)

... Okay. This post is getting pretty long. I'm just going to start summarizing from now on. XD

After a while, Antonette and Hazel got back. They caught us beside each other-him playing the piano and me, looking at him play. They told me they wanted to squeal so hard! But of course, they couldn't. Not when we're together. I don't want him to know that I like him. Not now. Maybe someday, but for now, I'd like to keep it as a secret. I just don't want to get my heart broken again.

OH YEAH. There was one time he was playing River Flows In You on the piano. I noticed some writing on his right hand (I've actually noticed it for a long time since the practice). I pointed to it, and he chuckled, saying, "Si ___ kasi!" I chuckled with him at the same time. I can't tell what was written there, but there was a heart. Like ______ ♥ ______. I don't know. And I guess I don't care. Because what happened yesterday made me so happy that nothing on that day could've ruined my day. But before the practice, I was actually pissed. I was still pissed when we went to the chapel. Later, I was beginning to feel normal, and soon enough, happy and giddy inside. And it's all because of him. ^____^ *le sigh*

I'm supposed to be doing my homework right now. I should really get back to doing it.

Now Playing (and has been playing several times now): All Too Well - Taylor Swift ♥ 

The study date that never happened.

[This isn't some real schist that happened to me in real life, if anyone was wondering. First of all, I would never go on a date because I am too awesome for anyone to see through my epic awesomeness. Secondly... this is just a dream.]

I honestly don't remember much of my dream. All I can recall of it is that I was with him, and he was supposedly going to tutor me in Trigonometry (he's really good at math okay). He started giving me these examples for me to work on and study further. While I was busy calculating stuff, he showed me a paper with the letters "RP" in it. At first I didn't understand, then he said, "I want to check out your role-play. In Tumblr. If you don't mind." I told him, "Oh, alright." I typed in the url, "percyjacksonroleplay.tumblr.com" and entered. Ever since then, we ended up hanging out together instead of studying, thus explaining the title above.

It isn't much of a long dream, but it certainly gives me the goosebumps whenever I remember that scene. :3 And this is the first dream that I've had for months! I guess I was pretty sleepy last night and was relaxed, too. I've just been really tired and stressed that I haven't been able to relax even for just a while.

Welp, until my next entry. -Alice

Friendship Bracelets

I have always been fond of friendship bracelets. I've been meaning to get some for me and my friends, but never found the right one and always seemed to have no money when I do.

Last week, probably on a Friday or Saturday night, I had stumbled upon a Youtube video teaching you how to make your own Friendship bracelets. I loved the style; it didn't seem so easy to make (it is to some people) but with determination and hard work, I think I'll be able to do it. I'm going to give 5 of my closest friends one friendship bracelet, each made using their favorite colors. I'm really excited on doing this project of mine this week. I have decided to give it to them on Christmas; yes, I know it's a bit too early. Christmas is a month and a half away, why hurry? Well, this week is our semester break (for the first time in years) and since I know I won't be doing much, i thought, why not do something productive and make these? And besides, if I don't start now, I might not be able to have time to make anymore; 2nd quarter's over, that means another quarter is going to start soon. How soon? Next week, I guess. That also means new projects, performance tasks, etc. Pretty soon I'll be loaded with school work and I won't have time to do this project anymore!

So, yeah. Now you know.

I hope my friends are going to like what I'm going to get them for Christmas. It may not be much, but it has that sentimental value which I know they're going to love. They might not even expect something such as this to be given to them by me. XD (Or maybe they will. I don't really know.)

It's 1 in the morning, and I am still wide awake.

I don't know anymore.

I guess I'm just not tired. I'm always like this doing the weekends, or just whenever we have no classes the next day. I sleep late all the time, and in turn, I wake up late, too. I know it's a bad habit and can be very unhealthy. I would also like to cure me off this 'habit' of mine. I have tried drinking hot milk before I sleep. I continued doing so for a few months but it wasn't long until I grew tired and stopped.

I have run out of things to say.

I still can't sleep.

Oh well. Kim Possible's on in Disney Channel and I really want to watch it. I miss this show so much.

Until my next entry.~

I have officially claimed Dakota Goyo as my (and his lol) adopted son.

Last Sunday, I watched Real Steel on Star Movies. It was a really good movie, one I would watch him my dad and hopefully, my future boyfriend (if I ever meet him) during our movie dates. It sucks that I didn't get to watch it with my dad, though. In truth, I watched that movie secretly; I wasn't actually allowed to watch since I had classes the next day. Anyway, Dakota as Max was so cute and awesome and ugggggggggh~ No, I don't have a crush on him. I just think he's so adorable and everything and I just want to hug him and pinch his cheeks asdfghjkl.

Welp I'm watching it right now and yaaaaaaay my adopted son is sao cute with his puppy dog eyes and everything ugh I love you son