I feel so ashamed of myself.

I don't want to post about it now. I just felt like I needed to let out what I currently feel. And I feel so ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated.

Tell me again why I had to stay and try to talk to him just so I could get myself embarrassed in front of him again?

I might be exaggerating a little bit, and for sure he doesn't think bad of me since he's so so so nice and sweet and everything... I just, I don't know. *le sigh* I'm so sorry.

I am 50% happy and 50% furious today.

I don't know where to start. Bad news or good news? Usually people always start with the bad news and end with the good news because for-I-don't-know reasons. But this bad news is totally breaking my heart. I am totally furious-and I mean, FURIOUS-about it that I am not sure whether to continue this entry.

But we all know I'll do it anyway.

Antonette, one of my best friends, has just got her heart broken this week. One of our classmates (let's call her Rica, shall we?) told her something very awful. As awful as the smell of smelly socks. Rica told her, "Anette, I am so sorry! I have a crush on your crush, and your crush likes me too! Sorry, sorry, sorry!" Uh, bitch, what are you saying sorry for? You don't have the right to say sorry AT ALL. What's your sorry going to do, huh? Can it turn back the time from where you were born so that you'll never be born again? Wow. Just, wow. When I heard about that, it just totally pissed me off. For one thing, if you did know that Anette liked him, then why did you like him back? Have you ever forgotten about the rule? "Friends shall not have a crush on another friend's crush." That's like a golden rule. Seriously. And second, HOW DARE YOU STEAL HIM FROM HER. MY BEST FRIEND. I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW. I REALLY WISH I COULD TOSS YOU AND YOUR STUPID CRUSH DOWN TO HELL SO YOU COULD ROT THERE TOGETHER. A-HOLES.

Not only that. A while ago, when it was dismissal time, we saw them together. Antonette saw them too. She cried. A lot. She couldn't hold back the tears any longer so we decided to comfort her for a while until she calmed down. It just sucks, okay? She has had a crush on that guy-that stupid guy-for a year and a few months. And then this bitch decided to step out from the underworld and take him away from her. I am so frustated with every-fucking-thing that I wish both of them would just burn and die. (I can be very morbid at times so I am so sorry for anyone who is reading this.) How dare they. How dare that bitch. How dare that stupid guy who fell for the bitch. You two have only known each other for weeks, and yet you're already flirting with each other? What is this, PBB Teens? This isn't a reality show, dumbasses. You two, just rot in hell. And die. Bitches.

I don't have the strength to tell the good news anymore. I'm just going to summarize it. I talked to him, blah blah blah and stuff. And a while ago, after dismissal, when Anica and I were about to go outside to check if our school buses were there. We passed by HIM while Anica and I were laughing out loud. I couldn't see much of him, but I could tell that he was looking at my direction. When we got to our destination, Anica told me that he was looking at me. And I was like, "HUWAAAAAT?" And I couldn't stop blushing and being kilig. I think he was trying to say hi but then I wasn't looking and was busy LOL-ing so he decided to just do it next time. OMGGGGGGGGGG~ Oh well. There's always next time. (at least I hope so)

Also, he's going to play the piano during our mass tomorrow! asdfghjkl So awesome! \m/

Welp, until next time. -Alice

We're having problems with our 'friend' again.

We really thought she changed, but we were wrong. Just a while ago, one of our friends gave us ballers that he bought from London while he was there last summer. We all had one, except for her and our other friend. But our friend was nice enough to give her the baller that he had. So in the end, she was the one who didn't get anything. It's very funny, really, because when she didn't get anything, she totally got upset and, I don't know, disappointed, I guess? It's not like she had the right to get angry, anyway. We asked for those ballers long before we met her; it was last summer, actually. So our friend bought just the right amount for all of us to be able to get one. She's still new; she's not even close to our friend! She probably doesn't even know his name. And even if she did, it won't matter. I just wish she's realize how irritating her attitude is. She even got angry to our friend who got the baller instead of her! I swear if she won't change her damn attitude, I will slap her in the face and let her know how much we hate her bitchy attitude. Bitch.

Sorry. I just had to let that out.

I should go now.

And now,

I have to do this stupid research for a report that we'll have to do tomorrow. Seriously, I just want to rant about this. I mean, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE US A TASK TO SEARCH ABOUT STUFF AND ASK US TO REPORT ABOUT IT THE DAY AFTER YOU GAVE THE TASK TO US? LIKE, ARE YOU SRS? WTF, MAN! WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, MAGICIANS? LIKE WE CAN MAGICALLY MASTER ALL OF IT IN ONE DAY? DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE US AT LEAST 3-4 DAYS TO PREPARE? HAVE YOU NO MERCYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!

... i hate everything

It's almost June 4, and that's when my classes will start.

Am I excited? No. Am I happy about starting classes again? Heck, no. Am I thrilled to see my classmates and my teachers again? Well, my classmates aren't really that nice and some of the teachers is my school is strict, so definitely not. All-in-all I am not happy about school. I am in no way delighted to being able to see everyone again and getting to socialize with them and other schist there is when it comes to school. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do but go to school because that's where I'll be able to learn to get a good future. I'll be able to experience new things and meet semi-new people. So as much as I'm afraid of going to school, I guess I just have to face the fact that I have to do it. I have to attend school and get good grades, or just enough for my parents to be proud of me.

If only there weren't any backstabbers and bitches in school anymore, then I'd definitely enjoy attending school. /sigh If only. -.-

Welp, until my next entry. -Alice

I am feeling sao depressed.

My friend says I'm not really that depressed since I'm still eating (I don't eat when I'm depressed), but somehow I still feel my heart shrinking and my mind blowing because of what happened yesterday. I can't stop thinking about it and I feel like I want to cry and just curl into a ball at a corner and die. Honestly, it wasn't much of a big incident, and I don't know why I keep being so emotional about it. My hormones are everywhere and I can't seem to get them back.

I'm probably just too attached. Maybe, just maybe, if I leave immediately I won't have to think and stress about it anymore. I won't have to see it and cry about it and be depressed and all that schist. I won't have to make it as a problem anymore since I'm gone. Forever. *le sigh* If only it was that easy. If only it was so easy to leave that place; but it's hard. It's where I met so many awesome new friends, learned a lot of cool stuff, got comforted when I was depressed; it's where I actually felt like I had a family. It's hard to leave them just like that when you know you've had so many good memories with them. How I wish it was that easy, but it's not.

Oh, well. I just have to think hard about it, I guess.

So I'm a bit frightened because until now, I still haven't decided on what course I'll be taking in college.

I used to want to be an actress or an author or a singer or a musician. I'd move to New York and become famous in Hollywood, meet people more famous than I am, party with my fans, meet the guy of my life, get married, live in a spacious home in a peaceful town with our three lovely children: Alice, Anastasia, and a boy I haven't named yet.

But those were the days when I could still dream about how amazing my future would be and how someday I would become very successful at the things I do. Now, I'm an incoming third year high school, and I still haven't found the right course for me to study on when I go to college. Mom says I should just pick a course where I know I'll make a lot of money. She doesn't understand. I don't want to pick a course where I know I won't enjoy. I believe in the saying, "Choose a job that you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life again." I want to choose a course where I'll be able to learn and at the same time enjoy. And when time comes when I'll have to choose a job, I'll choose the one I'm most certain I'll enjoy in. I tried to base my course on my talents and skills; unfortunately, the only talent I have playing the piano and eating. Where's my future in that? You'll only become famous in the piano if you're as good as Yiruma, Beethoven or Mozart. And I've seen people in Youtube play the piano far better than I ever could. And it's not the insecurity talking right now. And eating? Please. That's not even a real talent! You know what that means? I have no future! I'll die alone with no work and with my 83 cats! While my brother is prolly busy signing autographs in peoples' papers, I'll be alone in my apartment, doing nothing but breathe and eat and sleep and pretty soon die out of loneliness and depression! Gaaaaaah!

Okay. So I may have exaggerated a little bit. But I'm just saying. I'm afraid terrified of the future. Very, very terrified, indeed. I don't know what my future looks like, but I hope there's a bit good in it. And with this, I say goodbye.

Until my next blog entry. -Alice