Sad Reality

It's funny when in the morning, you feel relaxed and happy for some reason. You go out and enjoy your day like a normal person would. You hang out with your friends, laugh like there's no tomorrow, and you feel as though nothing can ever bring you down. You feel like you're the happiest person in the planet.

Then the day soon ends. You're finally all alone, ready to go to bed. You are about to go to into a deep, peaceful slumber. But your mind has other plans for you tonight. All of a sudden, thoughts come running in your mind. You think of the past memories you've had. Some are good, thank goodness, but some are bad. Bad enough to make you depressed, scared, and lonely. You are then faced with the sad reality of life. All at once, you realize a lot of things. He will never love you like you want him to. He will never feel the same way, no matter how many times you wish for it to happen. Nobody will ever like you for who you are, because you are nothing but a piece of shit in this world with no dreams, just crushed hopes and unfinished goals.

And then you shut your eyes as tears fall onto your already wet pillow.

It's been quite a long time.

Nothing much has happened in my life since my last post.

Actually, I'm lying. A lot has happened since the beginning of year 2013. And by a lot, I mean not much, but those moments are really special to me and I will never forget them. For the past three months, I have gone from becoming a ‘date booth’ victim with him in our school (there is even a picture for proof) to actually becoming text mates with him one way or another. Just recently (March 21, 2013), I had my last few moments with him in school. They were indeed special to me, because I realize that they were to be my last actual moments to be with him. I’m just not sure if we’ll ever have time to do that again (but I’m hoping).

So, March 21. What exactly happened in March 21? I wasn’t supposed to go to school since it was already our summer, but I had piano training with him, so why the heck am I supposed to say ‘no’ to that, right? And besides, if I’m going to be his successor, I might as well learn from him and get tips. He let me play the piano for a while and get to know some songs that will be played for the mass. Yes, he also gave me tips and all that stuff. When the actual practice for their Baccalaureate mass started, he played the piano. Boy, was I mesmerized. I wanted to just hug him and squeeze his cheeks ugh he was so AWESOME I died. I know you know I’m kidding, that’s only my expression.

4:30 in the afternoon; the 4^th year students exited the gym and headed home. I went out to look for him, and when I did, I called him. I said I wanted to tell him something. I was too hesitant at first, but I decided to just let it all out. I gave him my gift, to say “Congratulations!” and all that. And then I went and did it.

Yes, I confessed to him. No, it didn’t feel awkward at all. He kept smiling at me and thanking me, saying how flattered he was and stuff. Unlike him, any other guy would’ve already rejected me by then, but he didn’t. He stayed and listened to my nonsense crap and bullshit-y feelings. Wait, no, they’re not bullshit. I love my feelings because they’re for him okay

My friends have been congratulating me, saying how brave I was for doing what I had done. I, however, have been thanking the Lord, saying how happy I am and that I am just so grateful I finally confessed what I felt about him. I’ve never actually thought in my teenage life that I would be able to do such a thing like that. But you know what? Ever since I met him and fell in love with him, I have done so many things I never thought I would be able to do my whole life. I’ve gained more confidence, unlike before when I was a total clam, being shy and closed and all. I bet my parents-especially mom-have noticed that, too. It’s probably why she’s so positive when we talk about him at times. My friends have also told me I’ve changed for the better, and that I wasn’t the same shy girl they met 2 years ago. Now, I was different. A better different, of course.

I used to be so afraid of falling in love. Now that I have, and with the most awesome, most sweet, most perfect guy I’ve met that is exactly like my father (attitude-based and body built-based), I can confidently say that I am in love… and I am not afraid anymore.

Just keep smiling.

You're afraid; afraid that they might know the truth. Afraid that if they do, they'll get mad all over again and say you're being such a wuss. Know what? Just keep it. Keep your feelings inside, smile like nothing's wrong, and hope that they won't find out. Pray that they won't mind it and just move on with their lives. Cry it all out in your sleep, so when you wake up, it's as if nothing happened. You'll be back to your normal, bubbly, happy-go-lucky, and crazy self. And no one will even know you're secretly dying and depressed inside.

Now lookie what my parents got me for Christmas.

Remember when I said I wanted to buy myself Taylor Swift's Red album? No? Okay. Anyway, it turns out that I don't have to spend my own money for it anymore. My parents surprised me with this, this super duper amazing gift and I cried (on the inside). Somehow I still can't bare into my mind that I actually have an album of Taylor's. Seriously. This is so amazing. It comes with a free wristband, which I'll totally be wearing in school when I get back, and a 2013 calendar, which I had just finished hanging on my door. I can't say how happy I am, mostly because I am not the kind of girl who shows that much emotion. Sometimes I do, but only when I'm really ecstatic and stuff.

Mom and dad, I don't think you'll ever read this, but thank you. Thank you oh so much. I am sincerely sorry if I become a bitch sometimes. You know deep down my bitchiness, there's this daughter of yours who will love you forever, even if you grow old and have wrinkles and would someday need assistance when going to the bathroom. Whatever happens, I will always be your beautiful, loving, faithful daughter, and you will always be my most favorite, most awesome parents ever. I love you guys.

INFORMATION OVERLOAD

Yes, you heard it right. My mind is officially overloaded with information to the point wherein I just can't take it anymore. I'm having my quarterly exams tomorrow. You know what's worse? My Trigonometry exam also starts tomorrow. Monkey butts. I don't know if I can do this. I've been studying this certain subject for hours now. It actually almost feels like forever. My dad, who is thankfully excellent at math, helped me in some topics. Because of him, I sort of understand them better now.

Stupid laws of sines and cosines.

Now I must go back and fill my mind with nonsense formulas that I may or may not have to use in real life (which I highly doubt I will).

I feel so ashamed of myself.

I don't want to post about it now. I just felt like I needed to let out what I currently feel. And I feel so ashamed. Embarrassed. Humiliated.

Tell me again why I had to stay and try to talk to him just so I could get myself embarrassed in front of him again?

I might be exaggerating a little bit, and for sure he doesn't think bad of me since he's so so so nice and sweet and everything... I just, I don't know. *le sigh* I'm so sorry.

December 5, 2012

... I can't explain how happy I am right now.

This day, which is just before his birthday, has been one of the best days of my life. This afternoon, we had yet another practice for the mass that we'll be having this Friday. He and his other batch mates had a symposium, and so he wasn't able to attend the practice. So since he wasn't there, who played the piano?

I did. They forced me. And since I had no choice, I played. Quite well, actually. At first I was nervous as heck, but the more I played, the more confident I felt. It was amazing, the feeling. Just after our practice, he came still in his symposium uniform which are long-sleeved polo with a maroon necktie and slacks... And you know what? He was so hot. He was just so... unf. You know how a fan-girl feels when he sees a photoset of her favorite celebrity, topless? Aw, yeah. That's what I felt.

Everyone else left. Only my friends, him and I stayed. The two of us played, and I helped him in what he missed. We never left each other's side. We were pretty close, come to think of it. My friends said we looked so romantic together. My friend, Antonette, even teased that we looked like some married couple and she's like, "I'm your daughter!" Neither of us reacted on that because it was sao awkward.

Well, after that insanely epic and awkward practice with him, we left the chapel. Still together. We all walked together. Him, me, Antonette, Roanne, and Hazel. And since my friends really like to kill me because yes, they said, "Oh, kapit-kapit, guys! Mahigpit dapat, walang bibitaw!" Having no choice but to join, he and I held each other just like how prom dates would hold together as they enter the room (I hope you understand what I'm trying to say).

That awkward yet amazing feeling when you had physical contact with the guy you are most certainly in love with and yet you still don't want to admit your feelings about him. And it is the first time that something like this has happened to me. I feel like I'm on cloud nine and I can't get out. I'm just stuck there, giggling and being all giddy and kilig and stuff. Yeah.

After a few minutes, everybody else let go of their firm grip. Everyone but us. We were stuck like that for quite sometime. It was like he had forgotten that we were holding onto each other and we're just walking like that. It was awkward. Weird. Everything. I couldn't breathe. Soon enough, I gestured for him to let me go, since he was basically the one having the tight grip. He was like, "Oh, I'm sorry." And smiled. At least I think he smiled. He's always smiling, and whenever he does, his face shines as bright as the sun and it lights me up, making me smile too. That may have sounded a bit too exaggerated, but come on. I'm in love with the guy. That's what I feel about him and I'm not ashamed. I only don't like saying, "I'm in love with him," mostly because I don't want to seem desperate. I'm not. I love him for him. And this love that I feel for him does not ask for anything in return. Respect, maybe. But it doesn't matter if he feels the same way or not. I guess, as long as he's happy, then I'm happy. That's what I feel for him. My love for him is as pure as a newborn baby held tightly by his mother as he sleeps. Nothing else matters, but for him to be completely happy and contented with his life.

I probably got a bit off-track. I'm really sorry for that. I'm sorry if you had to read all of that. But if you did read it all the way, up until the end, then I congratulate you. And of course, I thank you for giving me at least 7 minutes of your time to read this. But if you doubt that I'm telling the truth, I am. I really do love him. You just haven't met this person yet. This guy, this troll of a guy, is such a fantastic person. He's funny, he's sweet. He's kind and gentle. He respects girls, and everybody else. He doesn't choose his friends. He doesn't boast his talents. Instead, he offers it to the Lord as he plays for Him during the mass. He is the best guy that I have ever met. I'm glad I got the chance to meet him, even if it's a bit too late. I could've made friends with him earlier, but I didn't. I'm only glad that God made it able for us to meet and share some moments together. And you know what? Even if we don't end up together, I'm still happy that I get to say that I have met the perfect person. He may not be truly perfect, but he's perfect to me. He's everything that I ever wanted. All that I want from a guy, he's got it. I don't love him for his looks. Heck, he can go bald if he wanted to! (I'm not saying that he should, though.) I just want to be able to spend the next chapters of my life with the man who I know will take care of me and love me for who I am, and won't ever ask anything for return.

Also, it may be a bit too early since it still tomorrow, but I will say it anyway.

Happy Birthday, Kuya. Take care always, and don't ever change. I wish you knew how I felt for you. Maybe then you'd realized how awesomely perfect (and a troll!) you are. Wish you the best, and may many more birthdays come. I love you~ trololol =)) XD